Alternet’s recent article features Mr. Michael Bader, a psychologist, attempting to explain why men seek out prostitutes, in what seems to be a hope that we (the general public and, presumably, their female significant others who are immediate affected) will better understand the motivations, both conscious and not, behind their attraction.
Let me start out with saying that I don’t really have any strong feelings for or against prostitution. I am honestly not sure where I stand on the issue of whether or not it should be legal, whether it is empowering to the prostitute or demoralizing, or the people who would utilize prostitutes’ services. I just flat-out can’t decide.
On one hand, to understand that sex is something that many people want and many are willing to pay top dollar for and taking advantage of that is one thing. Then, one has to also consider that not every prostitute (I’d venture to guess the majority) are not in the industry because it feels empowering to them or because that was a real choice on their parts. You can’t ignore the many, many poor women, gay and transgender people, and addicts who may feel like prostitution, or the sex industry in general, is their only option. No one can fool themselves into thinking that all sex workers are in their profession simply because they like the money and don’t mind having sexual relations of any kind with just about anybody. As much as I loved Candy Girl, we all know that Diablo Cody’s experiences certainly don’t mirror those of the vast majority of workers in the sex industry.
What actually bothered me about this article was simply the fact that the author seems to suggest that the only reason a man would see a prostitute is because of some kind of childhood trauma or psychological issue. I think that, perhaps, some men (or women, although you don’t hear about women purchasing the services of sex workers very often) simply do it because they have the disposable income and want to get laid with no strings attached. In fact, I can’t think of any other reason for paying a stranger for sex that I’d actually be comfortable with than that.
HOWEVER. What absolutely grosses me out about so many of these stories that we are bombarded with in the media is that these men who were caught with prostitutes seem to always be in a committed relationship. Married, in a significant partnership with children, whatever. That’s where it bothers me. That’s where it becomes a problem. And the reason for this is because the significant other of the customer never had any idea and was never keen on it.
I mean, obviously, right? It’s a huge betrayal. I don’t know if I’d feel more betrayed at the idea of a significant other (especially a husband or committed father of my child[ren]) having a prolonged affair with a woman he was not only sleeping with, but also involved with on an emotional level, or the idea of said significant other paying random strange women to sleep with him. The idea of a SO sleeping with many women with no emotional attachment kind of seems worse to me, and I can’t quite put my finger on why that is. I don’t want it to hint at the idea that I may be subconsciously shaming prostitutes, but I would take issue with the fact that his and my views on sexuality and monogamy were so incompatibly different.
I guess the main beef I have with a person paying for sex is simply whether or not they’re in a monogamous relationship, and their reasons behind doing it in the first place. If they’re in a monogamous relationship, then it’s bad, period. But the reasons behind doing it… now that’s where things get tricky.
Now, I obviously can’t speak for anyone at all who has been a prostitute or has utilized the services of one, since I have not been in either position, but I can say that I have a problem with the reasoning behind what Mr. Bader seems to think: Either a man is afraid that all women are impossible to please, he feels trapped, or he feels too much pressure to, god forbid, actually be a decent human being to his partner, and wants to rabidly fuck a woman without having to care about her or her feelings or pleasure in the slightest so that he doesn’t have to feel guilty for not caring in the first place.
Then there are the men who say ridiculous, and in some ways frightening, things like, “Well, the opportunity just came up, and man, it was so great to be with such a hot chick, and it felt so awesome that I just felt like I wanted to see how many more hot chicks I could get to bang me, because it’s not like they’re gonna say no!”
What a mindset to have. It’s all about banging the hot chicks and not giving a fuck about how they feel. Every man’s dream, right?
I don’t know. I hope not. And, in all honestly, I really doubt it. Can’t we all just abide by the rule that if you’re in a monogamous relationship, you don’t have sexual relations with other people, and that if you’re not and you want to pay someone for sex, you are still supposed to be a respectful and decent human being and not be afraid of women or hate them, and that if you have problems with those ideas, then you should consider therapy?
Great. Issue resolved. Now I go to bed.
Interesting.