So, I was looking through websites I’d bookmarked throughout the past couple of years, hoping to find something of interest, since I’m bored, awake, and seem to have reached “The End of the Internet.”
I looked under the section labeled “Random,” figuring there would be some interesting article I’d like to re-read, or a site with new information up. I found a page I’d bookmarked a year and a half ago, when my ex and I got engaged, called Marriage 101 – A Beginner’s Guide to Marriage. I skimmed through articles that caught my attention, read cringe-worthy stories about legalized first-cousin marriage (but who am I to judge?), and then stumbled across a page titled, Straight Spouses — What to Do and What Not to Do.”
“Coping Tips When your Spouse Reveals True Sexual Orientation”… There are many things I thought of when reading the title: I am a straight or bisexual female; my husband reveals he is a gay male. Marriage over. Done. Not necessarily in a hostile manner of course; I am sure there would be many hurt feelings, many mixed emotions, but if I was with a man, and he told me that he only likes men sexually and/or romantically, then I would naturally assume that there is no reason for the marriage to continue. Why bother? Shouldn’t both people have the opportunity to do what makes them happy, to find romantic partners (assuming one or both of them wants a romantic partner) that they are happy with, that goes along with their sexual orientation?
Now, if I were a straight or bisexual female, and my husband revealed that he was bisexual, I would see no problem with it (now, this is just me, of course; if I was straight and had a problem with homosexuality, it might be a different story, but we’re talking about me here, a straight female who would have no problem with a bisexual male as a romantic partner). Unless my husband were having an affair (with a female OR male), then I don’t see the issue. He would still love me and want to be with me, having “chosen” me to be the person he wants to spend his life with as opposed to the large number of both males and females on the planet, and it would be no different than if he were straight and chose me out of all of the females that he knew or encountered in his world.
Then, I read further into the article and saw that the author feels that “[m]ixed orientation couples means that one spouse is either gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.”
I would have to respectfully disagree with the latter part of his statement.
For one, “transgender” is not a sexual orientation, and I even have a slight problem with the “T” being included in “GLBT,” for this reason. It’s like the “What Doesn’t Belong Here?” game in Sesame Street. G, L, and B all refer to sexual orientations; T refers to gender. It refers to whether one is biologically male or female and whether that sexual designation of male or female matches the way that the individual feels they are, or should be “categorized,” for lack of better term. Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to; sexuality in general, and gender, are regarding your birth-assigned sex and the internal gender that you associate with.
Now, semantics aside, I can see why they would include it in such an article. After all, if I am a straight female, and my husband reveals that he is transgender and wishes to transition and live as a female, then that could prove to be significant when discussing sexual orientation.
For one thing, there is the question of whether or not my “straight husband” is really a straight female, or a gay female. If he is a straight female, then it’s comparable to your husband coming out as gay. Meaning, if he is gay, he does not like females. As a transgender female, she is straight, so therefore does not have romantic interest in females. So in that situation, I would, once again, say that the marriage can really not go on any longer in most situations.
Now, if I were a straight female and my husband revealed he was transgender, and identified as a lesbian, then, wonderful. S/he still is attracted to you, and your sex. However, now one must consider one’s OWN sexual orientation. As a straight female, would I be willing, or able, to continue a marriage (yes, the marriage would still be legal if it took place before transition when the couple comprised of a male and female) with a female? Whether or not my partner had “bottom” surgery (to turn the penis into a vagina), would I be able to continue a relationship with a person if I started to perceive them as the same sex as me, which would more than likely be the overall goal?
If I were bisexual, and my husband came out to me as transgender and wanted to become a woman, the sexual orientation factor would prove insignificant in the situation, but the person you married changing genders or sex may be a challenge and may not be able to be overcome. That’s up to the individuals, and the cis-gender (meaning, non-trans) partner as to whether or not that is something they are okay with.
…My main point, I suppose, is that I saw that transgender was included in the “sexual orientation” category, and it struck a nerve. I have personally been through this, although pre-marriage. My ex, who was male when we met and started dating, and when we got engaged, told me months down the road that he is transgender. He* had slowly started the transition process, and will do so more thoroughly once he is able to get hormones. So, I know all about this. It was frustrating to hear from people that I had told, “So, is he gay?” They mean, of course, Does he like men? But I said, Yes, he is. Because HE is SHE, and SHE liked females. I, being a person who identified as a straight female, will have to deal with this accordingly, in whatever way I feel comfortable with as events progress, but that’s not quite the point of what I’m talking about here…
I wish there were more understanding of trans issues in the general public. Unfortunately, when people hear the word “transgender,” or “transsexual,” they either think the two are one in the same, or they immediate think of a masculine-looking woman, ripe for jokes and abuse. They think of drag queens, of prostitutes, of jokes on just about every television show or other media outlet. They forget, or don’t realize, that people who are born as men are not the only ones who transition, that there are also transmen, they don’t realize what it really means. They see perversion and weirdness instead of people. I often thought that I should make fliers, with simply the definition of “Transgender,” and put them up all over the city. Like a grassroots effort to educate the masses at a very basic level. Thankfully, though, I have seen and heard many specials on TV, read in magazines, or even on NPR and other radio programs about transgender people, shown in an educational light. On shows and in magazines that many Average Joes watch, listen to, or read on a regular basis.
It’s a start, I guess.
*I used “he” as the operative pronoun because, at the time, that’s the pronoun that he was most comfortable identifying with, because he was not yet transitioned in a “passing” way. It is not meant in an ignorant or disrespectful manner.
